Day 3: Spies and Sunsets (by Hank)

What does a cat have to do to get a little peace around here? I sent Pritty and Coral to The Cotton Barn to buy me a new pair of silk boxers and sour cream and onion fish chips, to get them out of my fur. The brief return of my ex, Princess, has put Pritty into security mode. Pritty thinks she is a spy and security guard rolled into one sneaky, quiet, track-suit-wearing woman. (She is not.)

Pritty was all wound up that I might have a stalker, even though I assured her that blocking an ex is an effective strategy for getting someone out of your life. I wanted to go for a walk to clear my head, and she insisted I wear a disguise. Apparently, she owns cat disguises.

While I enjoyed the flow of my hair here.....

and the comfort of the grey tracksuit here, I refused to be a prisoner in my town and hide myself under luxurious locks and behind my favorite musical instrument.

Pritty suggested I could play this song if I encountered trouble around town. She would then hop on her scooter and save me.

When she suggested I dress as a sports cat, ewww, sports, I threw in the towel and told her I would stay in the house for a few days, until the coast is clear. (If she did buy me a pair of orange ball sneakers, I wouldn't complain, though. My paws felt like they were enrobed in marshmallow clouds in those babies. )

The gold chain around my neck is not real gold; she pulled that from her costume jewelry drawer. This was the least obnoxious chain in her drawer, trust me.

After I calmed her down, Coral mentioned that she was dating an artist.

Pritty started showing Coral my beautiful oil paintings of the sunset. I thought we could finally have a peaceful evening.

Pritty: Look at the beautiful art from the one and only Hank Van Gogh.

Hank: Oh, Pritty, you are too kind.

Coral: Who wants a sunset tattooed on their ass?

Pritty almost fainted, so I had to put pillows behind her. I tsked tsked Coral.

Hank: What kind of artist are you dating?

Coral: A tattoo artist. I guess we have a thing for the arts, Hank. You date musicians, I date men who are good with their hands.

Hank: Oh, boy.

Coral then pulled out a piece of paper from her purse.

Coral: These are my options, what do you think? These are the sketches he made just for me, isn't that sweet? He kind of looks like the guy in the picture, except you have to add a few pounds or erase a few muscles.

Pritty hit the floor. Out cold. I pulled out the smelling salts.

Pritty: Well, Coral, I am not one to discourage the arts, as line dancing is a highly underrated art form. I am worried that you will have this art on your buttocks forever.

Coral: That's the point.

Pritty ran to her pritty paper pile and started drawing. She rushed back, proud of her alternative tattoo suggestions.

Pritty: Ta-da! Tat-doodles!!

Coral: Well, Pritty, if toddlers ever start getting tattoos, you'll be a huge hit.

Pritty: And the best thing about my tattoos is that they would wash off after one wearing. Isn't that genius? You can have a new tat-doodle every day!

Hank: Oh, look at that, it's happy hour at The Cotton Barn. All lamps, linens, and leggings are 15% off.

Pritty: What a steal!

Coral: Oooh, maybe they have the new rear shaper leggings.

Pritty: You can try them on and I can tell you if your rear is shaped. What are you looking for? A triangle? A rectangle?

And off they went, down the hall, giggling and laughing.

I hope they don't forget my boxers and chips; I'm not sure I can rock leggings.

Hank out.

Peace (and sweet silence.....)